Thursday, September 3, 2009
In a state of confusion
I wish I could clear my mind of all things bad, but I guess that's easier said than done. I don't know who I am right now, or who I've become. My mind is like a made, a puzzle too complex to complete. It races frequently and I constantly over think. Over analyze. I have been searching for the person that lives within this body of mine for quite some time, but with no avail. The life I envision myself living is not one filled with sorrow but with bliss. When will I finally obtain this?
Do you think you know me?
Your perceptions of me have been proven inaccurate. My interior being is stronger, wiser than my exterior. My exterior is that of a lawless sinner, yet my interior screams remorse and shame. Regret. How can I feel one way, but act another? How long can I continue down this road of conflicting emotion and behavior?
Reflection at a Glance
Today is the day that I let my inner self be revealed. Let everything out on the line, and express how I really feel on the inside. The say has finally come where I can speak my mind, and not be afraid or ashamed of what is about to be said. Here goes...
As I take the time to reflect back on my life, I can see where I was wrong. Today is the day that I share these faults with you. I have evolved so much within the past year. Evolved into someone much greater, wiser than I could have ever imagined. I'd never thought that I would turn into the person that I am now, although I had always longed to be that person. I am now someone who shows more compassion towards others. Someone who takes the time to understand what others go through. My whole demeanor has changed. No longer do I do the things that I used to do, or say the things that I used to say. There are times where I find myself slipping back into my old ways, but by the grace of God, I've never fallen too deep. For that, I am thankful. On the contrary, the person that I used to be was ill-mannered and hot tempered. To the outside world I was someone who was sweet and serene, but to those who knew me best, I was nothing more than someone who loved to start confusion. The people who I had claimed to love, I hurt. I hurt them with the conduct I portrayed. I tore them down, only to build myself up. Into what?
I had been blinded for so long. I had told myself over and over again that they were the problem, and never believe myself to be the culprit. I would always say to myself that "this isn't the real me", or "this isn't who I really am". Deep down inside I believed that these notions to be true, but how could I convey that to the people that I had hurt for so long? I had been reckless for almost all of my 21 years of life, been told over and over agin that I was evil. That God didn't hear me when I cried out for help; that I'd never change. For a long time I myself believed those things. I had given up on God, given up on prayer. What was the point? Why should I pray to a God that didn't here me when I prayed? A God who obviously hated me. As the years went by, I pondered over the wrongs I had done. I took the time to reflect back on my life, and came to the conclusion that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I was tired of the sadness and depression that came with the life I had lived for so long. Tired of being "evil", and not giving a crap about others. I wanted out of that old life, but didn't exactly know how to rid myself of that lifestyle. How could I get out of the mess that I was in? How could I escape the internal hell that I had been a prisoner of for so long?
I was at a point in my life where I knew that I had to make a change. Without it, I don't know what would've become of me. I couldn't tell anyone about the way I had felt, for I feared that they no one would understand. No one knew what it was like to be me, and to go through the things that I went through. There was one person who knew exactly how I felt though. One person that could lead me down the path of bliss and out of sorrow. That one person was God. He and I weren't on the best of terms, but I figured I would turn to Him anyway. Maybe after all this time He'd hear my cry out for help. I proceeded to share all of my thoughts with Him, and to no surprise, He'd already known everything that I had been going through. I then told Him about the person that I wanted to become and about the life that I wanted to live. I told Him that I wanted to be a better person, on the inside and on the outside. That I wanted to live a life that measured up to the life that Christ lived, although I knew I'd never be as perfect. I asked Him to reveal the new me to the world, so that those who knew me best could see what He'd done for me. So they could witness His mercy and grace. How He'd taken someone like me, so full of vice and malice, into someone that was compassionate, loving and someone who strived to do good. Someone who strived to live for Him. I told Him that if He did that for me, I would obey Him with everything that I had. I would give up the things that kept me from Him, actions and people alike. I knew that my change wasn't going to be easy or come as quickly as I wanted to, but I was willing to wait for Him to change me into the person that HE wanted me to be. It didn't matter how long it took.
My greatest ambition in life is to love like Christ. To be LIKE Christ. To love everyone as I would love myself. To love my Creator the way that He deserves to be loved. To honor Him with my life, for without Him I am nothing. He has done so much for me within this past year, and I will be forever grateful. Right now I can say that life is swell, and I can only pray that my life continues to stay that way. I don't want to be led down the road of loneliness and despair again. Down the path that leads to death. I pray that my Father will continue to instill in me the wisdom that I need to prosper. Oh God, how I want that so bad! Your love has been so abundant, so pure. So true. I think I'll bask in its greatness a little while longer.
As I take the time to reflect back on my life, I can see where I was wrong. Today is the day that I share these faults with you. I have evolved so much within the past year. Evolved into someone much greater, wiser than I could have ever imagined. I'd never thought that I would turn into the person that I am now, although I had always longed to be that person. I am now someone who shows more compassion towards others. Someone who takes the time to understand what others go through. My whole demeanor has changed. No longer do I do the things that I used to do, or say the things that I used to say. There are times where I find myself slipping back into my old ways, but by the grace of God, I've never fallen too deep. For that, I am thankful. On the contrary, the person that I used to be was ill-mannered and hot tempered. To the outside world I was someone who was sweet and serene, but to those who knew me best, I was nothing more than someone who loved to start confusion. The people who I had claimed to love, I hurt. I hurt them with the conduct I portrayed. I tore them down, only to build myself up. Into what?
I had been blinded for so long. I had told myself over and over again that they were the problem, and never believe myself to be the culprit. I would always say to myself that "this isn't the real me", or "this isn't who I really am". Deep down inside I believed that these notions to be true, but how could I convey that to the people that I had hurt for so long? I had been reckless for almost all of my 21 years of life, been told over and over agin that I was evil. That God didn't hear me when I cried out for help; that I'd never change. For a long time I myself believed those things. I had given up on God, given up on prayer. What was the point? Why should I pray to a God that didn't here me when I prayed? A God who obviously hated me. As the years went by, I pondered over the wrongs I had done. I took the time to reflect back on my life, and came to the conclusion that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I was tired of the sadness and depression that came with the life I had lived for so long. Tired of being "evil", and not giving a crap about others. I wanted out of that old life, but didn't exactly know how to rid myself of that lifestyle. How could I get out of the mess that I was in? How could I escape the internal hell that I had been a prisoner of for so long?
I was at a point in my life where I knew that I had to make a change. Without it, I don't know what would've become of me. I couldn't tell anyone about the way I had felt, for I feared that they no one would understand. No one knew what it was like to be me, and to go through the things that I went through. There was one person who knew exactly how I felt though. One person that could lead me down the path of bliss and out of sorrow. That one person was God. He and I weren't on the best of terms, but I figured I would turn to Him anyway. Maybe after all this time He'd hear my cry out for help. I proceeded to share all of my thoughts with Him, and to no surprise, He'd already known everything that I had been going through. I then told Him about the person that I wanted to become and about the life that I wanted to live. I told Him that I wanted to be a better person, on the inside and on the outside. That I wanted to live a life that measured up to the life that Christ lived, although I knew I'd never be as perfect. I asked Him to reveal the new me to the world, so that those who knew me best could see what He'd done for me. So they could witness His mercy and grace. How He'd taken someone like me, so full of vice and malice, into someone that was compassionate, loving and someone who strived to do good. Someone who strived to live for Him. I told Him that if He did that for me, I would obey Him with everything that I had. I would give up the things that kept me from Him, actions and people alike. I knew that my change wasn't going to be easy or come as quickly as I wanted to, but I was willing to wait for Him to change me into the person that HE wanted me to be. It didn't matter how long it took.
My greatest ambition in life is to love like Christ. To be LIKE Christ. To love everyone as I would love myself. To love my Creator the way that He deserves to be loved. To honor Him with my life, for without Him I am nothing. He has done so much for me within this past year, and I will be forever grateful. Right now I can say that life is swell, and I can only pray that my life continues to stay that way. I don't want to be led down the road of loneliness and despair again. Down the path that leads to death. I pray that my Father will continue to instill in me the wisdom that I need to prosper. Oh God, how I want that so bad! Your love has been so abundant, so pure. So true. I think I'll bask in its greatness a little while longer.
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